Conversation with a Spider (ok, it's really a monologue)

I dislike spiders.  They freak me out, they're creepy and covered in eyes and legs.  However, spiders eat other bugs and for that reason, I tolerate them - just not in my home.  The other night the hubby was out and I was left alone to deal with an intruder.

I had been outdoors enjoying a beautiful summer evening.  Upon returning indoors a many legged hitchhiker nabbed a free ride on my glass of water.  I didn't realize this until I set the glass down so I could close the door.  When I went to retrieve my glass there was Slash (name of the many legged intruder).  It was a dark gray/black colored spider with a whitish colored lightening bolt looking mark upon its back, hence the name Slash.  

Me:  "Uh, hey Slash, you're not welcome inside my home.  You're free to roam about in the great outdoors and eat every fly you catch, but my kitchen, or any room for that matter, is off limits".

Slash:

Me:  "Ok, you're a creature of few words.  Fine, I'll do all the talking, you just listen closely.  I know you got lots o' eyes, how about ears?  You getting all of this?  You paying close attention because I'm not going to debate with you all night.  Ok?"

Slash  hops about from the counter to the glass and wanders around the water glass.

Me:  "Ok, you done jumping around?  It's making me really uneasy.  Why don't you just head to the inside of that glass, I'll cover it, and then return you to the patio.  Good deal, right?  You get to live.  I get to have you not be inside my home.  Whadda ya say?"

Slash:

Me:  "If you don't cooperate I'll have to... um, well something bad.  Something I'm sure you wouldn't like, so play nice, hop into the glass and everyone wins."

Slash:

Me:  "Really, this is how you want this to go down?  Dude, help me help you."

Slash just crawls around a bit, getting close to the edge of the top of the glass.

Me:  "Ok, you're almost there, this can work, really.  I'll treat you with the utmost respect, but you gotta get inside the glass."

Slash continues to maneuver around the edge of the drinking glass.

Me:  "Come on, please, don't make me beg, that's not cool.  Just get your fuzzy little..."

Slash makes his bold move to the inside.

Me:  "Thank you!  Was that so hard?!"  

I grab a nearby recipe, cover the glass, hold the glass out as far from me as possible and place the glass on the table outside.

Me:  "Ok, whew."  Taking deep breaths.  "Ok, see, you're still alive.  I'm still alive, this just might work out."

I remove the recipe from the glass and step back.  

Me:  "Alright Slash, now just hop on out of the glass.  You're free.  Go nab some nasty flies or something."

Slash:

Me:  "You're welcome, you were thanking me right?  Anyway, just move along now.  Nothing to see here.  Go home to your spider spouse and tell her how nice I was to not smash you.  Ok, go on, you can do it."

Slash:

Me:  "No need to stare at me, just get out of the glass.  Ok, tell you what, you've got ten minutes to get your legs moving outta there.  I'm going inside and in ten minutes I'll return and you'd better be gone.  Ok?"  

Ten minutes later I return to an empty glass.  Yeah!  Victory is mine!  

Next morning I'm in the kitchen about to make some coffee.

Me:  "What the hell?!  Slash, what are you doing in my sink?  Dude, not cool.  Not cool at all."

I ignore Slash most the morning as he explores the kitchen sink.  Finally the hubby wakes up.

Me:  "Darling, I need a HUGE favor.  Could you please relocate Slash to the great outdoors?"

Hubby, still groggy since he's only been awake about thirty seconds, "What?  Slash... relocate?  Oh, a spider.  Where is it?"

Me:  "In the sink."

Hubby:  "Ok, why don't you go in the other room and I'll take care of it."

Me:  "No, you can't wash Slash down the drain, you need to relocate him outside so he can eat flies."

Hubby grumbles indistinctly.  "Whatever."  

Eventually the Hubby uses a paper towel to transport Slash from the sink to the backyard.  

Slash had better not make another house call.  I might have to institute the three strikes rule if he does.  I don't think Mrs. Slash would like that.